English composition (complete)

中文作文 果篇帖子睇完? 睇下英文好唔好? 可以Proof-reading
慶幸的是: 我拎到OK高分 Content:32/40 Language:39/50 Organization:8/10 => 32+39+8=79/100
如果唔睇Topic係唔知我篇作文打啥的，請等待Topic的更新。

Topic: 請看圖

Dear Kelly,

  I have read your letter and you seem to have big troubles. How are you now? I hope my advices can help you.

  Firstly, you mentioned that you was being suffered from insomnia. It's a huge problem of course. If you can't sleep well at night you will lose your spirit and temper, your attention will be diverted and bad for your physical and mental health. That's why you can't concentrate at school and unable to jot down the main points.

  Having nightmares is awful. You may try drinking some flower tea to calm down yourself before you sleep , or you can also read a book and listen to some classical music. Be careful! Never read a horrific book before you go to the bed, otherwise you may probally have nightmares. Drinking too much coffee is bad for your body. As you are young, the chemicals in the coffee can damage your brain. You shouldn't drink coffee too much. The earlier you sleep and wake up, the more spirit you gain!

  Secondly, you also mentioned that you had had a poor result in the first-term test and your parents were not happy about it. If you can sleep well and concentrate on the lessons, the problem is likely solved by itself. You mentioned that your mum had cut down on your pocket money by half. Frankly speaking, I think your mum has chosen a wrong decision. The health is always the utmost! You have to eat lunch in order to be anle to concentrate on the lessons. Suffering from hunger also cause damages on your body. You have to talk with your parents, to let them know your problems and difficulties. What you should avoid in the talk is arguing with each other. If this happened, they might think that you are nonsence and naughty. You can also reflect that you don't have enough money to have a lunch. I think they will not cut down on you pocket money anymore after they have known the reason. Will you talk with your parents?

  I hope my advices can help you solve the problem. Don't be so unhappy and desperate, every things will go well soon! Hope you can solve them soon and successfully!

Cheers,
Aunt Candy

我覺得我自己今次盡左力架喇，同中文一樣，只不過唔知點解係得中文作文特別差- -

好明顯你試試將這文章翻譯做中文。
比較一下結構和造句，你會發現你用中文時腦子轉的太快而手寫不出來。
而英文你思考較謹慎，分段及敘事較為合理。

How old are you?

幾好啊~
Organization5錯~
Mistakes:
advices?uncountable bo
was being suffered?@@
your attention will be diverted and (miss sth)bad for your physical and mental health
That's why you can't concentrate at school and (miss sth)unable to jot down the main points.<---Should parellel structure be minded?
flower tea--->herbs tea is better
..........before you go to the(no need to write "the") bed
....you had had(?) a poor result in the first-term test
...the problem is likely solved by itself.(i think this is a bit strange)
.....has chosen a wrong decision  (not match)
You have to talk with your parents  (to)
.....avoid in the talk is arguing with each other  (use "one another" is better)
they might think that you are nonsence and naughty.  (naughty?logically not correct)
....after they have known the reason  ("know")
every things  no "s"
Hope you can solve them(not very clear) soon and successfully!

比得大帝 發表於 2013-1-30 17:09
How old are you?

14歲 我知可以寫得再好d

jack872184 發表於 2013-1-30 17:59
幾好啊~
Organization5錯~
Mistakes:

嘩，好多字--
我食完飯先再覆，有D「MISTAKES」係真同假

八王爺 發表於 2013-1-30 15:34
好明顯你試試將這文章翻譯做中文。
比較一下結構和造句，你會發現你用中文時腦子轉的太快而手寫不出來。
而 ...

我覺得英文作文的題目比中文的比較簡單=_=

結構嘛... 沒啥差別= =

造句: 中文跟英文一定有很大的不同- -

(吃完飯再打)

技術之達人 發表於 2013-1-30 19:22
嘩，好多字--
我食完飯先再覆，有D「MISTAKES」係真同假

用英文去打字真係易打D- -

green letters= true mistakes
red letters= false mistakes

advices?uncountable bo < Yeah, I, of course, wrote it wrongly- -
was being suffered? < was suffering (is suffered from...) => was being suffered
your attention will be diverted and (miss sth)bad for your physical and mental health < 冇記錯GE話，前面的will be 是可以連埋去後面AND果句，唔洗重覆寫多次的。
That's why you can't concentrate at school and (miss sth)unable to jot down the main points.<---Should parellel structure be minded? < definitely I am wrong=_= (were)
flower tea--->herbs tea is better < don't question the name of the tea, = = . As its name can tell the teacher that it is a drink with flower blossom. It is totally fine.
before you go to the(no need to write "the") bed < yeah, you are right. I have just forgotten it!!~
you had had(?) a poor result in the first-term test < passive voice+ time line => past perfect tense
the problem is likely solved by itself.(i think this is a bit strange) < I think it is fine=_=
has chosen a wrong decision  (not match) < So, what 'decision' should be matched with?
You have to talk with your parents  (to) < Mmm... I remember the noun+adj. wrongly==
avoid in the talk is arguing with each other (use "one another" is better) < poor language of my words
they might think that you are nonsence and naughty.(naughty?logically not correct) < what should be used instead of 'naughty'?
after they have known the reason < present perfect tense  know the reason早過not cut down on the pocket money  
every things no "s" < stupid mistake OMG
Hope you can solve them(not very clear) soon and successfully! < agree, using 'your problems' is more suitable for that

仲有篇中文作文未作，死得人多喇- -

八王爺 發表於 2013-1-30 15:34
好明顯你試試將這文章翻譯做中文。
比較一下結構和造句，你會發現你用中文時腦子轉的太快而手寫不出來。
而 ...

我覺得英文作文的題目比中文的比較簡單=_=

結構嘛... 沒啥差別= = 反正都是隨心所想，沒有甚麼規限。 我都不知道了，是我的腦袋子頻率要降低一點去作中文作文嗎?- - 還是閱讀者的功率不夠?- -
當然，旁觀者清，當局者迷，老師永還是對的，我最近也懶得跟他們去爭吵。

造句: 中文跟英文一定有很大的不同- - 英語=簡單  中文=很困難，下筆不順手= =

局外者清----<旁觀者清 BY: JACK多謝修改

技術之達人 發表於 2013-1-30 22:36
用英文去打字真係易打D- -

green letters= true mistakes

通識@_@ 慢慢覆都唔遲，作文先

Your school use English to teach liberal studies? As same as mine?

技術之達人 發表於 2013-1-30 22:41
通識@_@ 慢慢覆都唔遲，作文先

Your school use English to teach liberal studies? As same as mine? ...

見你用英文覆@_@ 瞎猜不好意思- -

was being suffered <---- was suffering
your attention will be diverted and (miss sth)bad for your physical and mental health < 冇記錯GE話，前面的will be 是可以連埋去後面AND果句，唔洗重覆寫多次的。
咁咪變成"your attention" will be "bad for your physical and mental health"
建議:
.....your attention will be diverted ,which is bad for both your physical and mental health
flower tea--->herbs tea  BETTER ONLY
....you had had(?) a poor result in the first-term test < passive voice+ time line => past perfect tense
邊到有passive voice ah?
建議:had had---->have
the problem is likely solved by itself
建議:
the problem will be solved most probably
I think they will not cut down on you pocket money anymore after they have known the reason
建議:
after they have known the reason--->if/after they know the reason

And cut down on(?)要on 咩?

14歲已經算唔錯.  

In writing, try to aviod using those simplified words like:  can't, that's doesn't.....  Say: cannot, that is, does not....  

We make a decision, but not choose a decision.

Suffering from hunger also cause damages on your body (Suffering from hunger also causes problem to the body.)Since you have already mentioned not eating well in the previous senetence, you may simply said: It may also cause problem to the body.

You shouldn't drink coffee too much.  (You should not take too much coffee.)  We seldom say, eat lunch, drink tea.  We say, take you lunch and take a tea.

If you can sleep well and concentrate on the lessons, the problem is likely solved by itself. (If you sleep well and concentrate in the class, the problem is solved.)

You can also reflect that you don't have enough money to have a lunch. I think they will not cut down on you pocket money anymore after they have known the reason. Will you talk with your parents?
(You should let your parents know that you do not have enough money for a proper lunch. I hope they will understand this and will not cut your pocket money anymore.  Do talk to them.) 講完一句長話, 用一句短句.  文章會靚一點.

#12-#13 我31/1 下午先覆，眼訓+仲要作文，冇乜精神去睇+comment SORRY~

還有一點, 在結構方面, 你沒有充份利用和反映aunt的身份, 看似是寫給朋友的信.  例如: 多表示愛和關懷, 帶點尊嚴.

技術之達人 發表於 2013-1-30 19:22
嘩，好多字--
我食完飯先再覆，有D「MISTAKES」係真同假

"flower tea--->herbs tea is better < don't question the name of the tea, = = . As its name can tell the teacher that it is a drink with flower blossom. It is totally fine."

外國人通稱花茶做herbal tea, flower tea似中文直譯多d，我唔會話你好錯，正如有d句子文法冇問題，但思意唔logic，或者唔乎合慣例，人地估到你講乜但佢地唔會咁講。

比得大帝 發表於 2013-1-31 09:50
還有一點, 在結構方面, 你沒有充份利用和反映aunt的身份, 看似是寫給朋友的信.  例如: 多表示愛和關懷, 帶 ...

啊- - AUNT不等於真正的AUNT- -
I were an agony aunt= =

Vienne 發表於 2013-1-31 10:32
"flower tea--->herbs tea is better < don't question the name of the tea, = = . As its name can tel ...

fine- -
herbal tea is definitely better than flower tea= =

jack872184 發表於 2013-1-30 23:36
was being suffered herbs tea  BETTER ONLY
....you had had(?) a poor result in the first-term test <  ...

your attention will be diverted ,which is bad for both your physical and mental health < Yes, you are right.
邊到有passive voice ah? < 即是轉述KELLY在信中提及的事情 You mean that, change 'had had' into 'have'/'have had'?
the problem will be solved most probably < 我覺得咁樣講有D怪- - 好似MISS左個subject咁- -
if/after they know the reason < acceptable

And cut down on(?)要on 咩? < 我唔知啊，張題目紙上面寫cut down on..我咪照寫囉- -

比得大帝 發表於 2013-1-30 23:59
14歲已經算唔錯.  

In writing, try to aviod using those simplified words like:  can't, that's doesn' ...

In writing, try to aviod using those simplified words like:  can't, that's doesn't.....  Say: cannot, that is, does not....   

^ formal way (such as: does not, cannot) is mostly used in formal letter (such as: application form, notice)
    informal way(such as: doesn't , can't) is acceptable for informal letter(such as: letters between friends, agony aunt/uncle)
    所以我認為用informal way is fine.

We make a decision, but not choose a decision.
^ 是呵~ 我學過但忘記了-_-

Suffering from hunger also cause damages on your body (Suffering from hunger also causes problem to the body.)Since you have already mentioned not eating well in the previous senetence, you may simply said: It may also cause problem to the body.

^ I try to explain the effect(suffering from hunger) briefly .

You shouldn't drink coffee too much.
^題目咁寫我都係照寫架咋- -

(If you sleep well and concentrate in the class, the problem is solved.)
^簡而精，我果句太繁複。

(You should let your parents know that you do not have enough money for a proper lunch. I hope they will understand this and will not cut your pocket money anymore. Do talk to them.)

^關鍵字啊~~!PROPER, should 'this' change into 'it' ? CUT you pocket money?_? missing 'down'/'down on'?
DO < 關鍵字之一，我當時肯定是不記得了- -